Invisible Life Read online

  I got into my car. I wanted to see if Sela wanted to ride to Duncan with me and my new friend. While I was driving, I began thinking about the dream I had had about Kelvin. Should I tell him? No, he would think I was weird. I began to hum the theme music from “The Twilight Zone” to myself as I pulled up in front of the Delta Sigma Theta sorority house. I went inside and asked the girl at the desk to page Sela Richards.

  “Sela Richards, Sela Richards, you have a guest downstairs,” she called over the loudspeaker. Five minutes later there was no sign of Sela. I left and went to my apartment, changed clothes and headed toward Westview Hall. When I came to Westview, I could see Kelvin standing against the bike rack. He had changed clothes too. As I approached the dorm, I blew my horn and rolled down my window.

  “Get in,” I said.

  “You don’t have to say it but once.” He smiled.

  As we drove down the highway toward Duncan, I could feel Kelvin staring at me. When we talked, he looked me straight in the eyes. I wasn’t sure why, but this made me feel a bit uneasy. We talked about sports, school and, of course, females. We stopped at the first liquor store in Duncan. Kelvin purchased a case of beer and I bought two cases, plus a six-pack for the ride back to campus. While our initial conversation started out tense, after the first beer we both appeared to loosen up.

  “Are you dating anyone?” Kelvin asked.

  “Yes, Sela Richards. She’s a Delta and my HTH.”

  “HTH?”

  “Yes. Haven’t you heard of hometown honey?”

  “Hell no,” Kelvin laughed. “HTH.”

  The time seemed to go by so fast. I became comfortable talking with Kelvin; he was very bright for a freshman. He had a deep baritone voice and a wonderful East Coast accent. He was very pleasant and seemed to know exactly what he wanted out of life. Yes, I thought to myself, a perfect KAΩ pledge prospect.

  “What about you?” I asked. “Do you have a girlfriend?”

  “Yes, back in Philly. The babes here are so country.”

  “I guess.”

  I was driving pretty fast. With the sunroof open, the cool October wind breezed through the car. We had drunk a couple of cans of beer and I started to get a slight buzz, plus I had to piss. “Mind if I pull over? This beer has me running.”

  “No problem. I can use the stretch.”

  I pulled over along the side of the road and we both let out some of the beer we had consumed. The oyster-colored sky appeared solid as the setting sun shivered against it and the light breeze blew its own way. Kelvin and I sat on the front of my car and continued our conversation. He told me about growing up in Philly. I shared with Kelvin some of my childhood memories growing up in the South. I couldn’t believe how comfortable I felt talking with him. I gave Kelvin my opinion of different people and places on campus and of the virtues of pledging KAΩ. Kelvin seemed interested in most of my conversation, but sometimes he appeared to be staring off into never-never land.

  “Do you consider yourself open-minded?” he asked as we got back into my car.

  “Yeah, I do.”

  “How open?”

  “Pretty open.” As we got closer to campus, Kelvin’s questions became more personal. I wondered what he meant by “open-minded.”

  “Do you sleep with your girlfriend regularly?” he asked.

  “Often enough. It’s hard sometimes with her in a sorority house and me in a one-bedroom apartment with a roommate. But my roommate and I have worked out a system.”

  “A system?”

  “Yeah. We have signals. Like this weekend he has to vacate the premises. He will either break the dorm rules and stay with his girlfriend or he’ll stay with one of our fraternity brothers.”

  “Oh, I see.”

  “Would you like to come by my apartment and help me finish this beer?” I asked.

  “Sure, why not. I’m out of football for a few weeks.”

  “Okay, man, let’s do it.”

  “I’m game.”

  Once we reached my apartment, I gave Kelvin another beer. I was putting the rest in the refrigerator when he walked into the kitchen.

  “Nice apartment. How much is the rent?”

  “Two-fifty.”

  “Two-fifty? You’re kidding.”

  “No, two-fifty.”

  “A place like this near Penn would cost three times that.”

  “It would?”

  “Yeah, it would. Raymond, can I ask you something?” He was staring at me again with his light brown eyes with their curling black lashes. There was an ardent look about them. No man had ever looked at me this way.

  “Sure.”

  “What did you think I meant when I asked you if you were open-minded?”

  “I don’t know. I really didn’t think about it.”

  “You didn’t?”

  “No, I didn’t. What did you mean?”

  “Well, I’m not sure the good people of Alabama are going to be able to deal with me.”

  “Why?” I asked.

  “Because I’m bisexual,” Kelvin said.

  “You’re what?” I asked, almost spitting out the beer I had just swallowed.

  “Bisexual. I make it with guys and girls. Haven’t you heard of it?”

  “Yeah, sure, we had sissies at my high school.”

  “Do I look like a sissy to you?”

  “No, of course not, but …”

  “But what?”

  By this time I was getting nervous. Kelvin was standing very close to me, literally blocking my path to the living room and front door. Should I run or should I hit him? I just stood there and continued to talk, trying to change the conversation. “You want to go grab a pizza?”

  “You’re avoiding my question.”

  “No, I’m not … it’s just that …”

  “It’s just what?”

  “Well, Kelvin, you’re a good-looking guy. You could probably get any girl you want.”

  “And I do.”

  “Don’t you like girls?”

  “I love women. Nobody eats trim better than me.”

  “Trim?”

  “Yeah, you know, pussy.”

  “Oh. Then tell me, Kelvin, why in the fuck would you want to mess around with a man?”

  “Variety is the spice of life.”

  “If you say so.”

  “So, Ray, tell me. Have you ever made it with a guy?”

  “Hell no!” I protested.

  “Don’t get bent out of shape, Raymond.”

  The questions and the conversation were making me agitated. I wanted to appear more sophisticated. Maybe this was an East Coast thing. Did Kelvin guess about the one time I had experimented with my cousin Marcus, when we were both around nine years old? We had really only compared the size of our growing peters. How could he possibly know that?

  I looked Kelvin straight in the eyes. “I’m not bent out of shape. That shit’s not my style.”

  “Maybe you haven’t run across the right man.”

  Trying to avoid Kelvin’s eyes, I looked down at the gold shag carpet. When I decided to look up, I noticed Kelvin’s erection bulging through his jeans and became even more nervous. What had I gotten myself into? This guy was bigger than me. There was a brief, uncomfortable pause. The silence was as heavy as one of my grandma’s homemade quilts.

  “Well, man, we better head back toward campus,” I said.

  “Sure. Come here for a second—there’s something in your hair.”

  Without thinking, I moved closer to Kelvin. With the palm of his hands, he softly rubbed my entire face. I quickly pulled back.

  “What the fuck are you doing?” I shouted.

  A slight smile flickered over his face and he said, “Your skin looked so smooth that I had to touch it.”

  I didn’t respond, silenced by his stare. His eyes were deep-set and defiant. Then he touched my nose and moved his fingers down to my lips. I don’t know why, but I didn’t stop him as he cupped my face and suddenly kissed my lips. I c
ouldn’t believe it, but it felt so natural. It was the first time I had ever kissed a man. I had never felt a spasm of sexual attraction toward a man. Honest to God. But his kiss. I had never kissed anyone like this, not even Sela. Before I was conscious of it, I was kissing Kelvin back and putting my arms around his waist. His force left little room for hesitation or resistance. I felt his strong body press toward mine—and an erection in my Jockey underwear, just aching to come out. I finally managed to pull back when I realized my sex was now full and hard, pressing against my navel. Kelvin looked down at me, gave a half-cocked grin and then pulled me toward him once again. This time there was no resistance.

  What was happening? This sinful, sexual longing. This was wrong. Everything in my head screamed no! Yet my body was saying yes. We stood in the kitchen kissing nonstop for almost an hour.

  “Where’s your roommate?” Kelvin whispered in my ear.

  “Don’t worry, he’ll call first,” I said.

  All of a sudden I felt Kelvin’s hands touch my sex and then, with a single motion, his hands unzipped my jeans, releasing my throbbing penis. We continued to kiss passionately as he led me to the bedroom. Everywhere he touched became sensitive. My nerves became raw, tingling with unknown enjoyment. The movement of his body against mine felt as sensuous as powdered sheets. Moments later we were both butt-naked, lying on the edge of my twin bed. We managed to stop long enough to push the beds together.

  On that night, the first Friday in October, I experienced passion and sexual satisfaction that I had never in my twenty-one years dreamed possible. Until that Friday evening in October, sex with females was all that I knew. I never imagined sex with a male. Sure, I had noticed or envied guys with great bodies while playing high school football, but I never thought of it in a sexual context. I had never before given a man’s body such lofty regard as I did with Kelvin. How would I have known that rubbing two male sexual organs together would bring such a complete feeling of ecstasy?

  I woke up nude and with a slight hangover. Oh my God, I thought as I sat straight up and jumped out of the makeshift bed. What had I done? Where was my overnight guest? I slipped my jeans on and ran from the bedroom through the kitchen and into the living room to see if the front door was locked. Thank God it was. What had happened to Kelvin? As I walked back toward my bedroom, I heard a knock at the front door. Could that be Kelvin? I put a sweatshirt on and quickly opened the door.

  “Are you ready?” Sela asked as she walked through the door.

  “Ready for what?”

  “The game, silly. Doesn’t my uniform tell you anything?”

  Sela was the only black pom-pom girl at the university and she was all decked out in her red-and-blue uniform.

  “What time is it?” I asked.

  “It’s eleven-thirty and I have to be at the stadium by noon.”

  “Oh shit, I must have overslept.”

  “What did you get into last night?” she asked.

  “What?”

  “Are you deaf? They told me you came by the house, but when I called you, I got no answer. I was at a party at your fraternity house last night and nobody had seen hide nor hair of you.”

  “I was studying.”

  “On a Friday night?”

  “Yes, the LSAT is next Saturday.”

  “Oh well, should I wait on you or not?”

  “Go ahead. I’ll meet you at halftime.”

  “Okay, can I have a kiss?”

  “No, not now,” I said, pushing Sela away. “I have morning breath and I haven’t brushed my teeth.”

  “Suit yourself. It’s not like I haven’t tasted your morning breath before,” Sela said as she grabbed her purse and left the apartment in a huff.

  After Sela left, I began to panic. What if Kelvin had set me up and now everybody on campus knew about last night’s escapade. What if he told one of Sela’s sorority sisters or, even worse, one of my fraternity brothers. I would have to drop out of school or transfer to A-State or Auburn in my senior year. I thought about the humiliation my parents and fraternity would feel. I would probably be kicked out. Should I go to the game or should I stay here and map out a plan of denial? I suddenly felt sick to my stomach. I quickly rushed to the toilet.

  After some thought I decided to go to the game. By the time I reached the stadium, it was almost halftime. The few people I ran into seemed to act normal, nothing out of the ordinary. As I approached the section where my fraternity brothers were sitting, they all stood up and started clapping. What was the deal? There they were all standing up clapping and chanting, “Ray, Ray, Ray.”

  “What’s up?” I asked.

  “We’re glad you could grace us with your presence,” Kenny Adams, the president of the fraternity, said. “Where have you been?”

  “What do you mean, where have I been?” I asked defensively. “I’m just running a little late.” I looked at my ticket stub and located my seat.

  “Sorry I asked. We just missed you last night,” Kenny replied. I gave Kenny a firm look, wondering if he knew Kelvin. Maybe he was gay and this was a part of some plan he had devised. No, Kenny wouldn’t do that, I thought. Why was I being so paranoid? Did I have reason to be? Maybe. Maybe not.

  During halftime Sela came up to our section, grabbed my hand and said, “Can I have a kiss now, Mr. Tyler?”

  “Sure!”

  As I kissed Sela in front of my fraternity brothers and the stadium filled with a crowd of over eighty thousand spectators, I thought everything seemed normal. Maybe last night had never happened, it was just a bad dream. Or was it a nightmare just beginning?

  After the game Sela and I went to our usual after-game restaurant, Ben’s Bar-B-Que, which had the finest food in town. We could only afford it about once a month. The restaurant was filled with the aroma of Ben’s famous barbecue and the sounds of french fries and onion rings hitting hot grease. It always had a diverse mix of people. Black students, white students, alumni and the local folks. Ben’s served the best onion rings I had ever tasted and the beer was always ice-cold. Being the only black pom-pom girl, Sela was something of a local celebrity. Several alumni always came over to our table to talk and gawk at her. Most of the time they simply ignored me. I didn’t mind, especially today. I had my own problems.

  I kept thinking about the night before. What had happened? Why had I let it happen? Why had I enjoyed it? After we left Ben’s, we headed to my apartment to finally spend some time alone and to get in our weekly lovemaking. This was an event that I usually looked forward to, but on this Saturday I didn’t want Sela to touch me. Maybe I didn’t feel clean or maybe I now viewed my body differently. Once we got back to the apartment, I grabbed a beer from the previous evening’s excursion to Duncan. Sela went into my bedroom and changed from her uniform into tight-fitting jeans and a red cashmere sweater. I didn’t bother to change from my starched khaki slacks and stiff white oxford shirt. I sat on the sofa, gazing at the television, not really aware of what was on. Sela came in and sat on my lap in an obviously romantic mood. We started kissing, and just when I started to loosen her bra, there was a knock at the door.

  “Are you expecting anyone?” Sela asked.

  “Not that I can think of,” I answered.

  I got up, tucked my shirt back into my pants and opened the door. When I opened the door, there he stood. Kelvin. No, I guess last night was not a dream. A wave of shame suddenly came over me.

  “Hi. I’m sorry …” Before he finished his sentence, Kelvin noticed Sela sitting on the sofa and quickly stopped his words and his approach into my living room.

  “Hi. I’m sorry, I must have the wrong apartment. I’m looking for Linton Johnson’s apartment,” he said.

  “Do you know the apartment number?” I asked.

  Kelvin had a strange look on his face. It was a mixture of surprise and disappointment.

  “Fifteen-J,” Kelvin said.

  “Oh, you’re at the wrong building. J is about two buildings over. Hold on a minute, I’ll s
how you where it is.”

  “Gee, thanks. I’d appreciate that.”

  I hurried back to the sofa, where Sela sat looking at me. Kelvin stood in the doorway looking away from the apartment. I slipped on my brown penny loafers and avoided the curious look on Sela’s face. As I walked out and closed the door behind me, Kelvin turned to face me.

  “Man, I’m really sorry,” he said.

  “Oh, don’t be ridiculous. It’s no problem. Let’s walk out by my car.”

  “I didn’t mean to leave so early this morning, but you looked like you were sleeping so soundly that I just couldn’t wake you up.”

  “Why did you leave so early?”

  “I forgot to tell you that even though I’m not playing with the team, I still had to attend a mandatory team breakfast and I didn’t want any questions if someone happened to see me leave here so early in the morning.”

  “So what time did you leave?”

  “Just before sunrise.”

  “I was beginning to worry. I didn’t know what to think. I thought maybe last night was a dream.”

  “Well, it was a dream for me. A dream come true,” Kelvin said.

  “Don’t say that. We have to talk,” I said, looking away from Kelvin.

  “When?”

  “Well, definitely not now. It will have to be Sunday or Monday.”

  “How about Sunday at four?” Kelvin suggested.

  “I don’t know, it’s hard to say.”

  “You do want to see me again, don’t you?”

  “Yeah, no. I mean, I’m not sure.”

  “Well, you think about it. I’ll be standing in front of the student union at four sharp. I’ll wait fifteen minutes, then I’m history.”

  “That sounds fair,” I said.

  “Later.”

  “Okay. Later.”

  As Kelvin walked away from the apartment parking lot, I wondered why I was being such a jerk. I started to call his name out loud and tell him to come back so that we could talk when I suddenly heard someone call my name.

  “Ray!” Sela yelled out.

  “Yeah,” I said, still watching Kelvin walk up the hill and disappear into the neighborhood, heading toward campus.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Hold on, I’m getting a book from my car.” I walked over to my car and realized that I didn’t have my car keys. Even worse, I looked in the window and saw that there were no books anywhere. I turned away from my car and walked back toward my apartment. I noticed that Sela had a puzzled look on her face.